


1945 - It should have been him.

by yourbucky221B



Series: Do you feel it too? 1937-1945 [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Loneliness, M/M, Peggy Carter being the best, Self-Blame, Set during TFA, as always, but not really, witnessing character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourbucky221B/pseuds/yourbucky221B
Summary: Part 3 in a collection of short fics about Steve and Bucky from 1937-1945.Bucky had looked after him, nursed him back to health again and again and now when Steve was fit and healthy, Bucky was gone. It was almost a cruel irony.





	1945 - It should have been him.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 3 is here and ready to give you some heartache.   
> I've always wanted to write these scenes so I finally did!

He threw his arm out, stretching as far as he could. Hand splayed as if it would get him closer. The icy wind stung his face; he could feel his other hand slipping on the railing. Steve looked into Bucky’s pale eyes, the terror that they held, the determination. Bucky shuffled his hands on the railing, an attempt to get closer.

    “Grab my hand!” Steve shouted over the howling wind and the deafening sound of the speeding train.

    That moment. When their eyes locked and Bucky threw out his hand. They both knew. It was hopeless. It was as if they knew it would be the last time they saw each other. Bucky saw every time he’d almost said those three words to Steve. He regretted never saying it. Not even in the dead of night when Steve couldn’t hear. Bucky couldn’t bring himself to say anything then.

    The metal railing groaned and gave way and Steve heard himself scream. A pleading, terrified sound as he almost threw himself off the train just to grab Bucky. Bucky’s arm scrambled out, one last attempt at being saved by the man he loved. It was no use.

    The railing snapped out of place and Bucky fell, his own scream drowning out Steve’s. He fell, the ice cold air freezing his bare hands as he continued to reach up to the metal train that was slowly disappearing from sight.  _ Steve _ , he thought.  _ Steve Rogers _ .

    Steve watched Bucky fall, unable to look away even when he could no longer see his best friend. His whole body shook and every nerve in his body felt like it was dying. He was gone. There was nothing… he couldn’t do anything. Steve felt the tears burning in his eyes and the constriction in his throat as he realised that Bucky was gone. He couldn’t be, he couldn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It should have been him. It should have been him.

    He remembered crawling back into the train, leaning up against the metal shelves, staring out at the blurry white landscape in front of him. The jagged metal of the torn train compartment. The empty broken holes where the railing had been held in place. His shield lay next to him. Everything that shield stood for felt worthless now. If Captain America couldn’t save people then what was the point? But it wasn’t Cap’s fault. It was Steve’s. Steve had failed the one thing that meant everything to him. Steve had failed Bucky.

 

***

 

    By the time Peggy had clambered through the rubble of the derelict pub, Steve had been there for almost three hours. A surprising amount of alcohol had survived the pub’s bombing and so here Steve sat, nursing his second bottle of whisky. The effects wasted on him. He’d stopped crying not long before Peggy had arrived, but his eyes were still red. They still burned and itched. He could still feel the clawing grief in his chest at the thought of Bucky.

    He’d lost everything. Everything that had held him to this earth was in Bucky and now… He’d never expected to live a life without Bucky. He was the sick and frail one. The one who was told he probably wouldn’t see thirty. He was the one who knew that if any one of them would have to live without the other it would be Bucky. Steve had never thought that he would be the one left behind. How do you go on living when the one person who kept you alive, wasn’t? That’s how simple it was. Bucky had looked after him, nursed him back to health again and again and now when Steve was fit and healthy, Bucky was gone. It was almost a cruel irony. Steve’s body didn’t need Bucky to keep it alive now, so God had plucked Bucky from him.

    Steve wiped at his face, knowing it was still wet with his tears as Peggy walked in and grabbed an overturned chair. Peggy didn’t look at his face until she was sat next to him, and Steve was grateful for that. For that moment to try and compose the heartache on his face.

    “It wasn’t your fault,” Was Peggy’s consolation. It meant a lot that she had come to find him. But those words didn’t help soothe the pain in any way.

    Steve wanted to scoff but held it back and simply asked, “Did you read the report?”

    “Yes.”

    He scoffed then, low and humourless, “Then you know that’s not true.”

    “You did everything you could.” She paused, her dark eyes looking over him with empathy. “Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?” Peggy looked at him and waited until he moved his head to nod before continuing, “Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice, he damn well must have thought you were worth it.”

    Steve felt his chest constrict. Bucky had always thought Steve was worth more. That out of the two of them Steve was the one that would go far, that had the potential to do great things. He didn’t see what Steve had seen. How loyal and fierce Bucky was. How caring and protective he was. How charming and loving he was. He never saw how in love Steve was with him. How if Steve had ever aspired to be anyone, it was Bucky.

    “I’m going after Schmidt, and I’m not going to stop until all of Hydra’s either dead or captured.” He said, resolute.

    Peggy nodded and reached her hand across the table, “You won’t be alone.”

    But Steve was. Without Bucky, Steve felt utterly alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 4 will be up in the next week!  
> Please drop me a review/comment below!!


End file.
